Self induced grief

I like to keep things simple and today i was going through my phone deleting old texts. Ive saved the last texts i had with my mom and in them i found a video of her speaking at an event about her sisterhood, the Bravehearts. It was so nice to just hear her voice. See her standing up. It’s hard to watch and it’s like am i trying make myself cry? I just wanted to see her.

Has your number been reassigned?

Can you hear me here, crying out for you?

Will i be able to wear mom jeans like you?
It is so odd how much more expansive my days were, talking about her, thinking about her, talking to her. Now it’s flat. 

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out of my skin

I hate being an adult, especially one that lives far too close to her in-laws. It’s just a series of being around family and I feel a push and a pull, a push away from them because I DID NOT get to spend that time with my mother and it feels insulting to her memory and a pull to spend tons of time with them because they will eventually die and then I’ll feel a whole other set of guilt.

I am NOT feeling OK today. I feel confused and I feel like I’m freaking out and I feel uncomfortable and I feel sad and I feel like staying home and hiding in a blanket and remembering what else I used to listen to when I was younger besides Bright Eyes and Bjork, I feel like reading my old poetry and hating myself a little bit.

I don’t have friends that live nearby who are my age and I don’t have a lot of close friends period and it is so confusing. Sometimes I feel generally ok like the undercurrent of my brain is just humming along and then there are days like today where I feel split open and all the crappy things I may have been thinking about and keeping under the surface are falling out. I should have realized this when I woke up from a confusing dream earlier and I have to shove the pieces back where they belong.

The grief and I are not getting along today. It’s like a shadow is following me around and laughing at me. Haha you think things can be normal. Haha you think you can hang out with your family. lol I gotta make up some arbitrary rules I’ll plop in your brain and make you follow.

I am humming

I am spinning 

I am falling

fun facts

Fun Fact: it actually starts feeling WORSE again past the one year mark.
Sometimes a girl just needs her mom when:
She’s feeling overwhelmed.
She isn’t sure how to tackle a difficult conversation.
She straight up doesn’t know how to do something. Even if it’s something her mom has NEVER done before, she’ll still give advice.
She’s walking home from the subway.
Her dress is wrinkled and she’s on the way to a meeting.
She ripped her dress strap and doesn’t know how to fix it cause she can’t sew and she’s a spaz.
She’s cooking dinner and wants someone to talk to while she’s chopping veggies.
She has her monthly friend.
She wants to share something funny that happened that day.
She’s trying to figure out if she should buy a pair of spin shoes or not.
She needs someone to tell her to stop online shopping.
She needs someone to make stupid voices with and replay inside jokes with.
She needs someone to send weird pictures to.
She wants a REALLY big hug. A dance hug, actually.

Here’s the thing about grief nobody tells you: it gets better and then it gets worse and then it gets better again

two and a half hours

just a small realization today.

i was stuck underground in the subway for two and a half hours, switching trains, plopping between stations, tons of people around me. normally i’d be pissed, really annoyed, and the whole day would swirl around the anger. but today i just read my book and thought, “how wonderful, i got an extra hour of reading in today.”

you can be in control of your feelings, and you can say YES to unpleasantries life throws at you, and you can be surprised.

be in love with yr own life

being in love with your own life doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, in fact I am far from it.

being in love with my life, for me, means:

a few glasses of a nice chianti

antipasto for dinner

crusty, delicious bread swathed in olive oil

buying flowers and looking at them

working from home in my bathrobe

to-do lists

staying home from the gym and reading

a tidy-ish home

lots of time indoors & outdoors

waking up early and reading in bed

my very own cold brew

burning incense

 

I am finding that sometimes saying YES also means saying NO.

When I am loving myself I sometimes have to say YES to staying in bed, or to staying inside and watching TV.

I know I need to get back on track with really exercising. The kind of exercise that makes you sweat and makes you uncomfortable. But to be honest, I really only like yoga and walking. I do weights, I do cardio, I do core and ab workouts because I HAVE to, not because I LIKE to. I’m thinking, maybe now I’ll start doing MORE workouts I LIKE, and see where that gets me in a month versus trying and failing to get up to do something I DISLIKE.

And here’s the thing, too. I like the eat man, I like to drink. Spoke with my father yesterday about unwinding with wine, and our reaction was the same – YOLO.

So I’ll drink my wine, and some days when it’s not a good idea, I won’t drink, but I’ll be less stringent about only drinking X amount of days per week. And less stringent about food, too. Because everything will work out fine just following the 80/20 rule.

Everything will work out fine.

twenty-eight

a lot of my twenties was spent very differently than how i live now.

i was relentless, fearless, bold, daring, a little bit crazy, and usually fucked-up. i wore high shoes outside of work. i dated boys i met on the internet and ones that i used to know. i lived with girls, which is a wholly different experience than living with guys. i spent a lot of time writing, reflecting, thinking (translate: crying and listening to beirut).

when you fall in love, in a productive and healthy way, you get so, so comfortable. you get chubbier and you get married and you lose some weight and gain it back after your honeymoon (but not on your honeymoon, cause the food in italy is FRESH!). you try to save money so you go out less. you have to think about things beyond yourself.

this year so far has been very different for me. it is my first year without a mother, my first whole year being married, my first year beginning the transition into more senior management. it’s only been a few months, but i feel like things have changed exponentially so far.

i joined a gym and committed to myself. i spin, i go to hot yoga, i do weights, i do cardio, i do ab work. i have worked muscles i have never worked before and hurt in places i hardly felt before. i met with a personal trainer and with a pilates instructor. i do core and ab work at home. i hate it, but i say yes to it, because it’s not for me, it’s for my future children.

i meal prep once a week religiously and always have healthy lunches and snacks on hand. i eat way less junk food, and when i do eat it, i FEEL it. i make my own naan, granola bars, hummus. i keep relatively wholesome foods at home, with the exception of my beloved popcorn.

i don’t drink every day. losing my mother lead me down a path laid down with wine. now, i’m looking to drink when i can actually ENJOY it – unless i’m having some garbage time, in which case, it’s ok.

i pay attention at work, usually.

i have begun to evolve. and there are stagnant times within an evolution. i found myself feeling too comfortable and tidy, in my own world with my husband, so i am stretching out and saying yes.

i ate pate the other day. did i like it? no. did i try it? YES.

i look forward to seeing what being uncomfortable can do, and most of all, i’m going to start writing again. is this a good first post? nope. but does it exist? did i try to write something? YES.