I hate being an adult, especially one that lives far too close to her in-laws. It’s just a series of being around family and I feel a push and a pull, a push away from them because I DID NOT get to spend that time with my mother and it feels insulting to her memory and a pull to spend tons of time with them because they will eventually die and then I’ll feel a whole other set of guilt.
I am NOT feeling OK today. I feel confused and I feel like I’m freaking out and I feel uncomfortable and I feel sad and I feel like staying home and hiding in a blanket and remembering what else I used to listen to when I was younger besides Bright Eyes and Bjork, I feel like reading my old poetry and hating myself a little bit.
I don’t have friends that live nearby who are my age and I don’t have a lot of close friends period and it is so confusing. Sometimes I feel generally ok like the undercurrent of my brain is just humming along and then there are days like today where I feel split open and all the crappy things I may have been thinking about and keeping under the surface are falling out. I should have realized this when I woke up from a confusing dream earlier and I have to shove the pieces back where they belong.
The grief and I are not getting along today. It’s like a shadow is following me around and laughing at me. Haha you think things can be normal. Haha you think you can hang out with your family. lol I gotta make up some arbitrary rules I’ll plop in your brain and make you follow.
I am humming
I am spinning
I am falling