twenty-eight

a lot of my twenties was spent very differently than how i live now.

i was relentless, fearless, bold, daring, a little bit crazy, and usually fucked-up. i wore high shoes outside of work. i dated boys i met on the internet and ones that i used to know. i lived with girls, which is a wholly different experience than living with guys. i spent a lot of time writing, reflecting, thinking (translate: crying and listening to beirut).

when you fall in love, in a productive and healthy way, you get so, so comfortable. you get chubbier and you get married and you lose some weight and gain it back after your honeymoon (but not on your honeymoon, cause the food in italy is FRESH!). you try to save money so you go out less. you have to think about things beyond yourself.

this year so far has been very different for me. it is my first year without a mother, my first whole year being married, my first year beginning the transition into more senior management. it’s only been a few months, but i feel like things have changed exponentially so far.

i joined a gym and committed to myself. i spin, i go to hot yoga, i do weights, i do cardio, i do ab work. i have worked muscles i have never worked before and hurt in places i hardly felt before. i met with a personal trainer and with a pilates instructor. i do core and ab work at home. i hate it, but i say yes to it, because it’s not for me, it’s for my future children.

i meal prep once a week religiously and always have healthy lunches and snacks on hand. i eat way less junk food, and when i do eat it, i FEEL it. i make my own naan, granola bars, hummus. i keep relatively wholesome foods at home, with the exception of my beloved popcorn.

i don’t drink every day. losing my mother lead me down a path laid down with wine. now, i’m looking to drink when i can actually ENJOY it – unless i’m having some garbage time, in which case, it’s ok.

i pay attention at work, usually.

i have begun to evolve. and there are stagnant times within an evolution. i found myself feeling too comfortable and tidy, in my own world with my husband, so i am stretching out and saying yes.

i ate pate the other day. did i like it? no. did i try it? YES.

i look forward to seeing what being uncomfortable can do, and most of all, i’m going to start writing again. is this a good first post? nope. but does it exist? did i try to write something? YES.